Monday, October 21, 2019

Something in my life had ended

“I looked out the window at the station. I had the sense that something in my life had ended, my image of myself as a whole or normal person maybe. I realised my life would be full of mundane physical suffering, and that there was nothing special about it. Suffering wouldn’t make me special, and pretending not to suffer wouldn’t make me special. Talking about it, or even writing about it, would not transform the suffering into something useful. Nothing would.”

~ Sally Rooney, Conversations with Friends, 2017

Friday, October 18, 2019

Our Idyll Couldn't Last

At Unawatuna, Sri Lanka
Snug in sunlight, with your hand warm and solid in mine, we walked along the palm-fringed shores of Unawatuna, unaware that that would be one of the last moments we'd spend together; that our idyll would end painfully, ineluctably, sooner that I could ever imagine.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

His pleasure in living has been snuffed out

“His pleasure in living has been snuffed out. Like a leaf on a stream, like a puffball on a breeze, he has begun to float toward his end. He sees it quite clearly, and it fills him with (the word will not go away) despair. The blood of life is leaving his body and despair is taking its place, despair that is like a gas, odourless, tasteless, without nourishment. You breathe it in, your limbs relax, you cease to care, even at the moment when the steel touches your throat."

~ J.M. Coetzee, Disgrace, 1999 

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Myanmar, Maybe

I’m thinking of traveling to Myanmar next year. I’ve got everything planned out: when to go, which hotels to book, which buses to take, what areas to explore, how much everything would cost. The only thing I’m worried about is that I intend to do it alone. Is Myanmar safe for an independent solo female traveler? I read from several articles that it is. But still, can I survive a two-week backpacking trip on my own? I surely would. Will it be lonely? Of course, but it will be fun, too. My life, in general, is lonely as it is. I might as well add some adventure to it.

Wednesday, October 2, 2019

The specter of stagnation

"I wanted to land in a new life where everything—bodies, ambitions—would work seamlessly and efficiently. Trapped in corpse pose, in a motionlessness that was supposed to be relaxing, I felt the specter of stagnation hovering over my existence. I missed, suddenly, the part of me that thrilled to sharpness, harshness, discipline. I had directed these instincts at my mind, kept them away from my body, but why? I needed a break from yoga, which had reminded me, just then, of how I’d felt all throughout Peace Corps—as if I didn’t know what I was doing, and never would."

~Jia Tolentino, Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion, 2019