addiction

It is great to have a boyfriend who feeds my addiction.

18-day Vacation

My 18-day vacation leave starts tomorrow.  How delightful it would be not to have to sit in front of the computer all day long; not to hear the shrill ringing of phones; not to agonize over documents just to make them completely blemish-free; to break away from the humdrum of corporate existence; to be able to wake up late and stay in bed as long as I want; and, above all else, to be away from all things routine and familiar.

Youth

“The languor of Youth—how unique and quintessential it is! How quickly, how irrevocably, lost! The zest, the generous affections, the illusions, the despair, all the traditional attribute of Youth—all save this—come and go with us through life; again and again in riper years we experience, under a new stimulus, what we thought had been finally left behind, the authentic impulse to action, the renewal of power and its concentration on a new object; again and again a new truth is revealed to us in whose light all our previous knowledge must be rearranged. These things are a part of life itself; but languor—the relaxation of yet unwearied sinews, the mind sequestered and self-regarding, the sun standing still in the heavens and the earth throbbing to our own pulse—that belongs to Youth alone and dies with it.”

~ Evelyn Waugh, Brideshead Revisited,1944

Selfish

Living alone gets really lonely at times, but more often than not I thank the stars for not having to put up with the daily drama of domestic coexistence.  A recluse of the most intractable sort, I guard my personal space and revel in the soothing silence and stillness of my home.  My solitude, though enveloped in uneventful obscurity, is inviolable.

Living alone keeps me from being entangled in other people’s lives. It protects me from the clutches of other people’s shifting moods, occluded thoughts and internal struggles.  Only when removed from others can I can sit motionless and regain my balance.

It is during those moments of stillness that I can dare question my life of selfishness and self-indulgence. Is it selfish not to want a ‘conventional’ life? Is it selfish not to want to have any children when you know that you most probably won’t be able to give them the best that life could offer? Is it selfish not to want to subject them to this world’s wretchedness and declension?  Is it selfish to love someone completely without having to sign a document that makes loving him legal and binding? Is it selfish to live alone when you know that only you can endure living with yourself? Is it selfish to attend to your wants and needs before that of others when nobody else would, or could, do it for you?  Is it selfish to value your freedom and solitude when they are the very things that sustain you when all else is stripped away?

Going Places

I remember when we used to organize sleepovers at each other’s houses where we usually end up chattering until the wee hours of the morning. Through almost three decades of friendship, the thrill of being able to spend time together has not diminished. We now plan trips to countries we’ve never been before. Macau, Hong Kong, Halong Bay, The Great Wall of China—the places are all lined up for us to explore together. And wherever we go we still trade sleep for each other’s laughter and lively chatter. Girls who grew up in the same city, we have become travel bugs, eager to go to the places of our dreams. We’ve started to wander around and discover the world yet remain bonded in friendship.