Wednesday, August 12, 2009

All or Nothing

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Several of my friends have gone back to school. I wonder how they do it. Already a wife, a mother, an employee, how can each manage to become a student, too? It astonishes me how, in pursuing their dreams, they were able to push beyond their limits. How have they mastered the art of diffused focus that they can handle life’s innumerable perplexities with poise and dexterity?

I miss school. I miss it so much that I want to be a student again, just like them. I want to go back to law school, or take up some writing course, or earn a doctorate. But can I do it? Can I muster that all-consuming, single-minded energy I devoted to my studies before? Can I once again reduce myself within the impenetrable walls of the academe with its relentless emphasis on cerebral struggle and constant achievement? I know myself. If I can’t give my all, then I’d rather not give anything at all.

I’m afraid that while in the middle of my futile attempt to comprehend a terribly abstruse reading assignment, I’d just throw up my hands in exasperation and say, do I really have to do this? Why am I doing this when I can be sleeping, or bumming around with my siblings or island hopping in Batanes, or gabbing with my friends over coffee or enjoying an afternoon stroll with my boyfriend? I know that when I go back to school I won’t have time to do all the things that I love doing. So utterly stressed out, I can turn into that kind of person whose querulousness makes her utterances sound like a perpetual whine.

Perhaps it shouldn’t be all or nothing. There must be a balance between the two – a certain balance I have yet to learn.

8 comments:

witsandnuts said...

Pray hard about it, once you decide, keep your focus. In 2005 and 2007, I was juggling over so many things I almost did not sleep because I wanted so many things to do at the same time. I came to a point that I asked myself why am I punishing myself. Lol. Bottom line, I kept going because all those make/made me happy.

(Almost) Nothing is impossible. =)

Amelia said...

set out your priorities and want to achieve in say two-three years time and contemplate on it. if you're really up to go back to school then give a try...anyway life is a matter of taking risks and challenges :))

Kayni said...

this is the exact reason i'm deferring grad school. my mind is not "into it" right now. i have so many doubts and insecurities, but hopefully i'll get my priorities handled in time.

goodluck with your decision, but keep in mind - there's life away from the academic world.

Artemis said...

ha ha! as for me, no more going back to conventional schooling. i'd rather take it easy.. and i have no resources (both physical. emotional and mental) to spare for going back to school anyway... live life, but if it's schooling that gives you life then go for it! :-)

Angeli said...

@kayni
you are so right. there is, indeed, life away from the academic world.

@artemis
sometimes nga i think that going back to school is an indulgence i can't really afford, unless i get a scholarship or something. :)

@witsandnuts, amelia
i've done all those things before. i was working as a research assistant while writing my master's thesis while attending law school. i thought i can do it because i wanted it so much. i realized that i can't. i had to give up something.

~fren~ said...

exactly referring to my situation, angeli. but well, like you said, there should - and there must be - balance. you are definitely right.and admittedly, i am still stucked in maintaining that balance. ('am really trying hard to. a supportive husband is a big advantage).

but you know what, after the first term, i am liking it - not the schooling (in) itself, but the whole package, everything that goes in it -i.e. the camaraderie, the people, friendship, pressures, lahat.:D

widening horizons, that is.=)

Angeli said...

hi fren. is it very different from when we were in college?

fren said...

harder re academic pressure/s and present circumstances, but there's this deep-seated camaraderie between and among (my) mates and really, there's no competition.

but note, this is case to case basis. and i am fortunate i belong to a very supportive, accomodating class.

in UP kasi, you have to be aggressive and competitive to survive( i love U.P. though. it is where i've learned to be tough and graceful under pressure:)) whereas in grad. or law school, you have to be united.=)

and yes, you're right again - you can't have it all at the same time. mine, i gave up the luxury of sleep beacuse of school.=)

(but) 'just don't know kung kelan ako tatagal..maybe, as long as my grades work well.

 
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