Sunday, December 30, 2007

happy 2008!

Sunday, December 30, 2007

To Angel, Carla, Daddo, Hazel, Leah, Ima, Jac, Jennifer, Kayni, Niel, Nina, Temporal Fixity and all of my other readers, thank you for making muffled solitude a daily habit. Thank you, thank you, thank you. It was a good year for me. May 2008 be a great year for all of us!


Happy 2008 everyall!!!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Decorum

Saturday, December 29, 2007

What are you? Do you know? What you are is you're always trying to smooth everything over. What you are is always trying to be moderate. What you are is never telling the truth if you think it's going to hurt somebody's feelings. What you are is you're always compromising. What you are is always trying to find the bright side of things. The one with the manners. The one who abides everything patiently. The one with the ultimate decorum. The boy who never breaks the code. Whatever society dictates you do. Decorum. Decorum is what you spit in the face of.

- Philip Roth, American Pastoral, 1997


Friday, December 28, 2007

A Scalding Hot Bath

Friday, December 28, 2007

What was it? It was more of an addiction than love - a scalding hot bath that i thought was soothingly warm but, in reality, is scorching me and melting away my person.


Sunday, December 23, 2007

Naysayers

Sunday, December 23, 2007

How do you strip them of the skepticism and cynicism that harden their hearts, cloud their views and cover their souls like barnacles? Do you let them keep their preconceived notions or do you feel the need to right their wrong beliefs? How do you shield yourself and your girl from all the assault? How do you keep them from bastardizing her person? Trying to defend what you have with her, is it merely a systematization of futility?


Saturday, December 22, 2007

Queen of the Night

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Last night felt like prom night all over again. But unlike before, all of those adolescent angst is gone, replaced by the attitude to just seize the night and have fun! And what is surprising is how on earth this former high school wallflower has been crowned as the queen of the night! Them judges must be crazy or something...










Thursday, December 20, 2007

Things That I Miss

Thursday, December 20, 2007
  • Hanging out with the Pilak Girls
  • Road runs
  • The 20 minute bus ride to PMA where from the window, all you can see are rows and rows of pine trees
  • Looking at mountains abloom with sunflowers, a.k.a. marapait
  • The mildewy smell of our house in Baguio
  • Studying my ass off for an exam
  • The local inihaw na mais – not those Japanese ones
  • Fog
  • Binatog with evaporated milk and sugar
  • Intellectual orgies with my classmates
  • Wearing turtlenecks, mufflers and bonnets
  • Fixing my sister’s hair before she goes to school
  • Traditional, handwritten love letters
  • My grandmother's cooking
  • Attending the numerous parties (a.k.a. fiesta) at Jen’s place where even the barangay’s basketball court couldn’t accommodate all the guests
  • Sans rival
  • Going through my mother’s books to find a good read
  • Reading real newspapers, not the online version
  • Going to the movies
  • Singing in the choir
  • Benguet coffee, brewed
  • Chicken mami loaded with paminta and paired with siopao at Sunshine Lunch
  • The Panagpagna Festival

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

The Effort to Look Effortlessly Striking

Wednesday, December 19, 2007


The pains us ladies take to be aesthetically pleasing and our efforts to look effortlessly striking can be downright ludicrous. We are having our company Christmas Ball on Friday and us girls are going gaga over what dress we'd wear as well as the matching shoes and accoutrements - necessary and unnecessary - that would complete our look. We obsess about having our hair, nails, and makeup done to perfection. Them boys, being boys, could not care less.

Imagine the dilemma we are facing: will she wear the maroon, corset-inspired gown or the forest green, backless, velvet halter; do I wear the pink and gold, sweet-sixteen number or the vampy, cleavage-baring, little black dress; does she wear the aubergine gown with the matching shawl or the more conservative peach?
Will it be the strappy stilettos or the classy pumps?

Oh, what a perplexing yet ridiculous situation we put ourselves in!


Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Hibernation

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Instead of participating in the holiday festivities, I plan to hibernate and live reclusively this coming Christmas break. For eight days, I will lock myself up in my flat to avoid - as much as possible – the holiday rush, the jostling crowd, my mother’s incessant visitors, the bingeing, the excessive partying, and virtually all signs of life.

For animals, the purpose of hibernation is to conserve energy during the lean months of winter. The same goes for me. From my hibernation and seclusion, I hope to emerge renewed, refreshed and revitalized.


Monday, December 17, 2007

Pogi points dropping a few more rungs

Monday, December 17, 2007

What is it with men whose cockiness and pomposity feed on the delusion that they’re god’s gift to women? So what If they look good in body-hugging, muscle-defining shirts? Is there anything else they’ve got to offer? Trying to impress the ladies, all the time, just won’t do the trick. It will just make your pogi points drop a few more rungs. Try admitting to screwing up, once in a while – that would get their attention more.

Or try to not presume that just because you are attracted to her, she is also attracted to you. It doesn’t work that way, buddy. Or perhaps you can avoid - one, using polysyllabic words if you do not know exactly what they mean and two, pretending that you’ve read books that you and I both know you have no idea about.

Dropping all that ostentation will probably earn you some pogi points.


Friday, December 14, 2007

"like an idealistic woman trapped in an ideal world"

Friday, December 14, 2007

I was chatting with a friend yesterday, catching up on what’s going on in each other’s lives. He said that he frequently visits this page. I asked him, “So how do you find it?” He replied, “Reads like an idealistic woman trapped in an ideal world. You are an idealist.” Am I, really?
It may sound absurd but I do believe in the ideal; perhaps it shouldn't be so, but I am still guided by ideals.


Thursday, December 13, 2007

whatever happened to the 4-kilometer roadrunner?

Thursday, December 13, 2007

She has turned into a 30-year old, lazy shrew whose only form or exercise is walking from home to work and back; who has less tolerance and capacity for physical discomfort; who has gained self-acceptance, made peace with her flabs and ceased to torture herself with strenuous exercise just to lose weight; who needs to sit down and rest her aching feet from merely a few hours of malling; who no longer sparkles with the light of childhood exuberance but still glows with muted vivacity; and who is now contemplating a career in sumo wrestling.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

golf, a hundred thousand years ago

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

still counting the days

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

piman nga lakay

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
“It was inevitable: the scent of bitter almonds always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love.” (Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Love in the Time of Cholera)

Adda pimpiman nga lakay ditoy opisina mi. Adda ayayaten na nga balasang nga naububing kinyana. Aminen ket inaramidna tapno laeng maalana ti puso diay balasang. Ngem, awan latta. Maararyek diay balasang kanyana. Piman nga talaga. Agsangsangit isuna idi nagsao kami nga duwwa. Dinamagnak nu ania ti aramidenna. Inbagak ti pudno, uray nga nasakit. Kunak ket madina kiniam; Awan maaramidmon. Agrasak ken agyamanka laengen ta naamoam isuna ken kinuldingna ti biag mo.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Wedding March

Monday, December 10, 2007

Listening to Wagner’s Wedding March from Lohengrin, I can’t help but think about all the wedding bustle going on around me – my younger sister getting married in a few weeks, a close friend tying the knot in January, conversations revolving around licenses, menus and guest lists, the frenzy about the perfect white dress.

Shouldn’t preparations be done for the marriage itself and not just for the wedding? Must the focus be on the wedding march, or should it be on the couple’s journey towards oneness, instead?

Will matrimony ever be more than merely an intangible abstraction for me? Will I ever march down the aisle with Wagner’s famous piece playing in the background?

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Cognitive Dissonance

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The burden isn’t either/or, or consciously choosing from possibilities equally difficult and regrettable – it’s and/and/and/and/and as well. Life is and: the accidental and the immutable, the elusive and the graspable, the bizarre and the predictable, the actual and the potential, all the multiplying realities, entangled, overlapping, colliding, conjoined – plus the multiplying illusions! This times this times this times this… Is an intelligent human being likely to be much more than a large-scale manufacturer of misunderstanding?” (Philip Roth, The Counterlife, 1986)

Cognitive dissonance - the internal turmoil we experience when we hold incongruous thoughts, values, beliefs, knowledge, and emotions all at the same time – everyone suffers from it, for various reasons and at varying degrees. By nature, people do not want to have feelings or thoughts that battle against each other. Aversion towards cognitive dissonance is sometimes the reason why people tend to be close-minded, and oppose new ideas and counter-arguments.

Though people may find it unpleasant, cognitive dissonance is an instrument for learning and change. By forcing people to react and confront their conflicting cognitions, it encourages a modification in thoughts, beliefs and values and induces behavior or attitude change.

Cognitive dissonance is one of life’s inescapable realities. The important thing, therefore, is not how we can avoid it but how we deal with it.

So, how do you deal with cognitive dissonance?

Friday, December 7, 2007

beneath, behind, above, beyond and below

Friday, December 7, 2007

Beneath his irreverence and audacity, I saw truth, authenticity and principle. Behind those glasses are eyes that have seen a lot but remain luminous and non-judgmental. Above material comforts, he is propelled by his longings for love, thirst for knowledge and compassion for those who suffer; Beyond the self-deprecation is an undeniable depth of intellect and a lucid understanding of the terms of life; Below the callous exterior I see a man, so loving, so brave and honest that he can reveal the insecure and unformed aspects of his person and risk everything to be able to love again.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

what do you do?

Thursday, December 6, 2007

When you thought that you were through with tears and bone-crushing pain, then old feelings suddenly come rushing in and old ghosts appear, what do you do? When your security net is yanked out from under you, leaving you dazed and breathless, what do you do? When you have stripped yourself naked and made yourself vulnerable, believing that you will be understood but you weren’t, what do you do? When your gut-wrenching honesty is met only by an inscrutable silence, what do you do? When the one person you need for solace cannot be physically there for you, what do you do? When you have taught yourself to be content with little but you find yourself aching for more, what do you do?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

are you a perfectionist?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Are you a perfectionist? Do you aim for perfection and excellence in everything, all the time? Can you not stand mediocrity?

According to some researches cited in an article from the Times, there are three types of perfectionists:

  • Self-oriented strivers who struggle to live up to their high standards and appear to be at risk of self-critical depression;
  • Outwardly focused zealots who expect perfection from others, often ruining relationships; and
  • Those desperate to live up to an ideal they’re convinced others expect of them, a risk factor for suicidal thinking and eating disorders.

Which among the three are you?

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

they resolved to wait and be patient

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

“…there already glowed the light of the renewed future, resurrection to a new life. Love resurrected them; the heart of one contained infinite sources of life for the heart of the other. They resolved to wait and be patient…. And until then, how much unbearable pain, what infinite happiness!”

- Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment, 1866

Monday, December 3, 2007

December Has Come

Monday, December 3, 2007

Once December sets in, there are changes – some almost imperceptible, others quite apparent - that can be seen and felt. Nights are nippier; Hearts are afire with hope, gratitude and cheer; Children are bursting with anticipation for the holiday treats that they’d receive; Adults are looking forward to the much-needed vacation and family time, the partying, and the year-end bonuses; Dazzling lights and spectacular displays can be seen everywhere, reminding everyone that Christmas is just around the corner. Suddenly, there is this strong impulse to buy, buy and buy as if there is no more tomorrow.


In the midst of this thick, exuberant air pervading the whole country are some people who feel extra morose and anti-festive. Their inner melancholia surfaces during this time of the year. For them, December is not a time for celebration but of reckoning. What have you done for the past year? Was it enough? Have you accomplished anything worthwhile? Some do not welcome the coming of the New Year. Instead, they are solicitous and a bit despondent about the future. What will the new year bring us? Another year of sorrow? Will it ever get any better? For others, the holiday season illuminates and emphasizes their lonesomeness. It heightens the need to love and be loved in return.

Concealed from everyone else, I, myself, used to feel despondent, lonesome and apprehensive whenever December comes. But not anymore. The internal bleeding of my melancholia has been staunched and my solitude, muffled.

ho ho ho!

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Curly Hair

Saturday, December 1, 2007

I was alone at my mother's house in Cavite, waiting for my sister to arrive from school. Having finished the book i'm reading, i sat down to watch (for the nth time) Pretty Woman. I couldn't help but admire Julia Roberts' untamed, vibrant, red curls. As if beckoning me, there I saw the hair rollers lying on top of the table. Smiling, I said to myself, "why not?"

After four hours, I removed them rollers from my hair, prepared to be shocked. The result is hilarious! So this is how it feels to have curly hair. My sister's reaction when she saw me was, "para kang may popcorn sa ulo." Then we started laughing our butts off.

 
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